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How to Say the Hard Thing Without Starting a WarI came out of childhood hating and fearing conflict. The violence of my parents’ arguments taught me that the safest option was to shut up, move away, and pretend nothing had touched me.
So I learned to avoid conflict. More precisely: I learned to deny my emotions, to swallow them, and to tell myself that I was "above all that". That it didn’t matter. That I was fine.
Except, of course, I wasn’t.
Life has since shown me, repeatedly, that this way of reacting is destructive. Avoiding conflict may look peaceful from the outside, but it often means denying yourself. It prevents the relationship from becoming more genuine. Sometimes it leads to a premature end. Sometimes, worse, it leads to a long fossilisation: the relationship continues, but in a frustrating, fake, unfulfilling version of itself.
On the other hand, conflict is not necessarily bad.
Between avoidance strategies and warlike confrontation, there is a third way. A way that does not require you to disappear, and does not require you to attack.
Let me call it (drumroll)…
The path of constructive assertiveness.
💡 Constructive assertiveness is the art of speaking your mind without trying to hurt, dominate, or humiliate the other person.
It is not about “winning” the conversation. It is not about proving that you are right and the other person is wrong. It is about bringing something real into the relationship, instead of letting it rot in silence.
When it works, it strengthens trust. And when it doesn’t work, at least you know where you stand.
In this short article, I want to share a few principles that help me speak more truthfully in daily life, without alienating the whole planet.
The third way
When something hurts us, annoys us, disappoints us, or makes us angry, we often see only two options.
The first one is avoidance.
> “It’s fine.”
... Although it's not.
The second one is attack.
> “You’re selfish.”
“You’re mean.”
“You never listen.”
“You always do this.”
This may feel satisfying for about three seconds, but it never fails to put the other person on the defensive. And once people are defending themselves, they are not listening anymore.
Constructive assertiveness is the third way.
It sounds more like this:
> “When this happened, I felt this way, and next time I would need this.”
That’s it. Simple, not easy. How does it work ?
Start with facts
Facts. Not your interpretation. Not your diagnosis of the other person’s personality. Not the courtroom version where you are the prosecutor and they are the accused.
Just the facts.
For example:
> “Yesterday, during the meeting, I was interrupted several times while trying to explain my idea.”
Instead of:
> “You don’t respect me.”
Maybe the person does not respect you. Maybe they do. Maybe they were stressed, clumsy, excited, distracted, or just being an asshole in that moment. You don’t need to solve their soul immediately.
Start with what happened.
Facts create a shared ground. They give the conversation a chance.
Speak as “I”
A coach once talked to me about the police siren effect of the word “you”.
You… you… you…
It sounds like an alarm. It immediately makes the other person feel accused.
> “You are mean.”
“You humiliated me.”
“You don’t care.”
Sometimes it may even be true. But it is rarely the best way to open a constructive conversation.
It is much less aggressive to speak from “I” and say what happened inside you, the impact the facts had on you.
> “I felt humiliated by your reaction.”
This does not mean that your feelings are the only thing that matters. It simply means that you are taking responsibility for your side of the experience.
You are not pretending to be inside the other person’s head.
You are sharing something that cannot be contested: your personal experience. You're owning your vulnerability, which is strength, not weakness.
> Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness. – Brené Brown
Point to the behaviour, not the person.
There is a huge difference between:
> “You are selfish.”
And:
> “When you changed the plan without telling me, I felt left out of a decision that also affected me.”
The first sentence attacks the person’s identity.
The second one points to a specific behaviour and its impact.
We all make mistakes. We are all clumsy. We all sometimes behave in ways that hurt others without intending to.
If you attack the person, they will probably defend their identity.
If you name the behaviour, there is at least a chance they can look at it.
Choose your words carefully
Some words have the magical ability to ruin a conversation before it even starts.
“Always.”
“Never.”
“But.”
These words often put people on the defensive because they sound final, exaggerated, or oppositional.
> “You never listen.”
Really? Never?
Now the other person only needs to find one example where they listened, and the conversation becomes a stupid debate about the word “never”.
Prefer words that leave some room.
> “I often feel like I’m not being heard.”
“For the moment, this does not work for me.”
“I understand your point, and I also see it differently.”
Try to use “and” instead of “but” when possible.
> “I hear what you’re saying, but…”
Usually means:
> “I heard the noise of your words, and now I will explain why you’re wrong.”
Whereas:
> “I hear what you’re saying, and I also need to say how I experienced it.”
This keeps both realities in the room. It may sound like a detail. It is not: words create posture.
Use the simple formula
The most useful structure I know is:
Fact → feeling → request.
Or, when it is too early to propose a solution:
Fact → feeling → open question.
Example:
> “When the deadline changed yesterday without warning, I felt stressed because I had already organized my week around the previous plan. Next time, could you tell me as soon as you know?”
Another example:
> “When you made that joke in front of the team, I felt embarrassed. I know you may not have meant it that way, and I’d prefer that kind of joke not be made publicly again.”
Another one:
> “When I sent you the message and didn’t get an answer for three days, I started wondering if something was wrong. Could you let me know next time if you need more time to reply?”
This is not weakness. It is precision.
You are not putting the other person on trial. You are showing them the impact of a specific behaviour, and giving them a possible way forward.
I can only recommend reading Lara Hogan's excellent article on the “feedback equation” that goes deeper into this idea.
Aim for the future
The past is useful as evidence, but the future is where the relationship can still improve.
So instead of trying to rewrite the past, which is impossible, try to make the next occurrence better.
Instead of:
> “You should have told me sooner.”
Try:
> “Next time, could you tell me as soon as possible?”
Instead of:
> “You shouldn’t have said that.”
Try:
> “Next time, could you tell me this privately rather than in front of the group?”
Instead of:
> “You made the whole thing more difficult.”
Try:
> “Next time, I’d like us to agree on the process before making the decision.”
It does not mean the past does not matter.
It means the conversation is more useful when it creates a possible future.
Choose the time and the place
If possible, avoid reacting on the spot, at the height of a strong emotion.
This is difficult, because strong emotions often come with a very convincing sense of urgency.
> “I need to say this now.”
What you need first is to calm down enough to say it properly.
There is a difference between being honest and throwing your emotional furniture at someone.
The right place matters too: if you need to reframe someone, avoid public shaming. Isolate yourself with the person. Give the conversation some privacy and dignity.
At work, if the mutual trust is low, you can also ask an HR person, a manager, or a neutral third party to be present. Not to create a tribunal, but to facilitate the discussion and give a more official frame to it.
A good message delivered in the wrong setting can still do damage.
Of course... It takes two to tango
These are tricks. They have helped me many times, with adults, colleagues, friends, and especially with my teenage children, when I have to reframe them without turning the whole thing into World War III.
But constructive assertiveness is not a magic spell.
You can choose your words carefully. You can speak from “I”. You can focus on the behaviour. You can aim for the future. You can be honest without being aggressive.
And still, the person in front of you may choose the fight. That part is not under your control.
Some people are not interested in dialogue. Some people only want to win. Some people hear any feedback as an attack. Some people are committed to living a shitty life, and it is their sacred right to do so.
At least you know where you stand. You did your best to be constructive. You behaved like an assertive yet non-aggressive human being.
That is something to be proud of. In truth, it is total class.
And somewhere along the way, you made the world a little better by bringing your authenticity to it instead of your silence or your violence.
Assertiveness is not only for conflict
One last thing.
These principles also work for positive feedback.
Expressing thanks in an assertive way makes it so much richer.
Instead of:
> “Thanks, that was great.”
You can say:
> “Thanks. When you took the time to explain the situation clearly, it helped me feel reassured and more confident about the next steps.”
Instead of:
> “Good job.”
Explain why it was good to you:
> “The way you handled that conversation was calm and precise. I think it helped everyone stay focused.”
Constructive assertiveness is not only about saying hard things.
It is about saying true things, and relationships need that.
💡 What about you? Have you discovered any tips or tricks that help you navigate life’s conflicts in a constructive way?
Apr 28, 2026
Apollonia Saintclair’s Female GazeI discovered Apollonia Saintclair's visual universe after Anni Jyn's suggestion at the end of our chat, the first in this series on my quest to discover the Female Gaze. And boy, was I in for a threat! After gifting myself two of her incredible Ink Is My Blood volumes, I reached out to Apollonia to ask if she would be willing to answer a few questions. Her answers revealed a deeply personal perspective grounded in literature, where imagination and fantasy collide to become immersive moments of erotic exploration. Enjoy!
What is your best seller's work ?
It's hard to say, but probably one of the most popular images is La lionne blessée (Love is a killer). Le masque de la Méduse (Object woman) would be another one.
La lionne blessée (Love Is a Killer)
Le Masque de la Méduse (Object Woman)
And the opposite: what is the one work of yours that you deeply love and feel would deserve more success ?
I can't think of one right now, but sometimes there is drawing I am particularly fond of because I mastered a technical challenge and think this is how I would be able to always draw, and then it doesn't get a special recognition.
Many of your pieces delve into themes that are considered taboo or transgressive. What draws you to explore these themes?
I draw primarily for myself -I know that's what every artist says, but it's the only honest premise to answer this question - and I choose my subjects because I see the potential for intense beauty in them – it's as simple as that. The transgressive aspect is collateral, and sometimes I wish I felt the same attraction to say, locomotives, which would make my life easier on social media, but I don't. Maybe what attracts me to erotica is the trickster-ish way it affects the viewer. For it first grabs you by the guts, below articulated emotions, then, like a magic mirror, strips you of conventions and preconceived notions if you let it, to reveal you little by little who you are, and finally shows the world around you in a different light.
Le bal des apostats (Iconoclastic Fury)
How do you navigate the line between provocation and artistic expression?
I do not draw "to shock the bourgeois", but rather to give substance to intuitions that I intimately feel as true. Provocation as a goal always sounds shallow to me, as much as any cultural artifact that has been utterly commodified. If there is no transcendence at work, it’s not art, it’s artifice and the strings show. The reasons why a painting affects us, and continues to affect us centuries later, are not reducible. There is something fundamentally alien there, coming from outside, far from something as worldly as provocation, and beyond the necessary technical skill of the artist.
Les Soudards de l’Empereur (The Sack of Rome)
La Fin de la Chevalerie (The last Robber Barons)
You've mentioned the influence of literature, including works by H.P. Lovecraft and various erotic authors, on your art. How does literary narrative shape your visual storytelling, and are there specific stories or authors that have recently inspired your work?
A story is an imaginary place where one can – want – live. Unfortunately, you can visit but not stay. I think that's what I try to do with my drawings: to offer through a single image a moment of a story, into which you can project yourself and imagine its unfolding beyond what is visible in the frame. Currently I'm working on Project M, a story inspired by true events during the Renaissance, told through dozens of drawings. It's a new approach, because this time I'm tied to a sequence of events that I need to tell to create an intelligible narrative arc. I'm slowly learning how to create a common thread while maintaining the laconic style that I like.
L’ange d’Acier (Chrome Angel)
La Pénitence (Do Not Fear Anger, For it is the Mask of Weakness)
How do you perceive the evolution of erotic art in contemporary culture, especially in the digital age?
Social media initially enabled an explosion of creativity, the rise of many new talents, and the rapid dissemination of works, particularly erotic ones, to a very wide audience. Now, with censorship on one side and excessive commercial reclamation on the other, the source is drying up, and erotica is returning to the back shelves of bookstores. For reasons far beyond my comprehension, it seems that the libertarianism of the 2000s is giving way to more restrictive – and darker - trends, but I am not in a position to say what influence this will have on erotic art, which as everyone knows has, like a cat, at least seven lives...
Le Remède des Sorcières (Mycophilia)
La mort venait d’en haut (Eternal Noir)
Your work often explores the fluidity of gender and sexual identity. How do you approach these themes in your art, and what do you hope to convey to viewers about the spectrum of human sexuality?
Your sexuality is like your DNA, it's unique. So, I see this topic in a very free and relaxed way. On the other hand, it's only one of the determinants that make up each individual identity, and the current tendency to over-emphasise it often leads to contra productive and even bizarre effects. I think that sexuality, experienced individually, is something fundamentally private, and the less the state or society define its framework, the better. It’s of course an illusion, for what happens in the alcove is always in some ways a reflection of collective rules.
La lavandière de nuit (White as death)
While your work transcends simple categorizations, it often incorporates elements of the "female gaze." How do you define the female gaze in your art, and how does it differ from the traditional male gaze?
In my work, women are often the driving force behind the action, they occupy the foreground. Nothing would really happen without them. This is only fair and differs from the iconic canons of some eras - but not all, by the way - where the opposite was the rule. Putting women in the driver's seat is additionally a source of inspiration, because the role reversal offers all sorts of interesting images to draw. Beyond that, I'm wary of definitions, as we are often only reacting to what came before us, certain that we have finally achieved the right balance, while we are simply instantiating new conventions.
Le démon de midi (Antidote to melancholy)
You’ve mentioned that viewers often see themselves in your characters. How do these personal connections impact you as an artist, and have any particular interactions with your audience surprised or inspired you?
What strikes me most is that it's often couples, of all ages, who buy my books. Some write to me and tell me about their love at first sight - and the fact that they somehow connect their personal story to my work touches me deeply. I feel a bit like a midwife, a stranger whom you trust and who you associate for a time with extremely intimate events.
Les brûlants (Burning in devotion)
Your illustrations balance provocative content with high aesthetic quality. How do you approach this balance, and what is your process for ensuring that your work remains both intellectually and visually engaging?
I try to create images that are as placative as they are transparent. On the one hand, there must be an immediate impact, like a punch, which works even if the image is the size of a postage stamp, but beyond that, it must immediately evoke everything off-screen, open up, withdraw. Black and white is of great help in this, as its reduction forces the viewer to invent a large part of the image, drawing them into the narrative.
Le Velociraptor (The Velociraptor)
Your work leaves much to the viewer's interpretation, embracing ambiguity and mystery. How do you see the role of ambiguity in art?
Philosophers have been at each other's throats for over two millennia over the true nature of reality, while art makes ambiguity its stock in trade. Rationality doesn't tolerate ambiguity well, but are we purely rational beings? Of course not, and art gives us access to some of the layers of reality that lie beyond. It is obvious to everyone, even the most rabid materialist, that there is a fundamentally aesthetic dimension to the experience of reality. In this experience, I see the acceptance of ambiguity as a reversal, as a reconfiguration that generates new meanings. The whole skill for the artist is not to confuse ambiguity with arbitrariness.
L’égalisation (Split in the middle)
(This is for my 16-year old daughter Marion, who studies art in high school here in Brussels). Could you describe your creative process, from idea to execution? Do you use digital tools ?
The architect Le Corbusier spoke of found objects as "objects with a poetic reaction," whether it be a nut, a tree root, or a Doric capital. For me, every drawing begins with an encounter with an image, whether in everyday life or in the media. Experimenting, through sketches, confrontations, and collages with other images, I try to understand what initially piqued my interest, to amplify it, and to discover the stories it contains. There is always a back-and-forth between the narrative aspect and the visual impact: what is this image trying to tell me, and is it visually complete? Technically, I use pencil and ink as much as a digital tablet; I've found that digital, when set up correctly, offers results very similar to ink, with some practical advantages - a drawing table that can be taken anywhere - and some conceptual disadvantages - the tendency to get lost in the details and end up making bombastic art...
La Transformation (An African Tale)
What are the artists you look up to that have or had a strong impact and influence on you ?
European adult comics and photography in fashion magazines, which I discovered at a young age, had a profound formative influence on my way of conceiving images. Moebius and [Helmut] Newton, to name just two: the former because, in addition to being a genius with the pen, he taught me that technically, anything goes to express an idea. You can recognize him immediately, and yet if you look closely, you'll see that he sometimes changes style three times in the same vignette. Moebius also shares with Ridley Scott a love of imperfections, of loose papers, which make their images so vivid, so analogous. And Newton because his images are so brutally erotic and intellectual, simultaneously. Each photo is a cathedral made of mirrors, carefully composed, and totally open.
Extract from L’Incal - Moebius + Jodorowski
Helmut Newton (source)
Reading your answers reminded me of a book that deeply fascinated me when I was a student: La femme piège by Enki Bilal. Are you familiar with it? Reflecting on it now, I realize it shares similarities with your artistic universe—erotic, dreamlike, dramatic.
Yes, I know Bilal and although his style has not, I believe, influenced me, I like the universe he has created, especially in his albums with external scenarios of which Exterminator 17 with Dionnet is in my opinion the masterpiece.
Your drawings often reference elements inspired by classic literature. What place does reading have in your daily life ? Could you describe a typical moment when reading triggers the idea for a drawing?
I read every day, and even years later, passages that have left a lasting impression on me come back to me along with a passing impression. An example of a passage that has stayed with me since the first time I read it is from Arthur Conan Doyle's The Lost World:
> “By George!” he whispered. “I think I can see it!” I stooped and peered over his shoulder through the gap. Yes, I could see it, too. In the deep shadow of the tree there was a deeper shadow yet, black, inchoate, vague—a crouching form full of savage vigor and menace. It was no higher than a horse, but the dim outline suggested vast bulk and strength. That hissing pant, as regular and full-volumed as the exhaust of an engine, spoke of a monstrous organism."
It's not necessarily this precise and magnificent image that he inspires, but the f
Mar 27, 2026La Guerra del AmorListen
Lyrics
Mujeres no son perfectas
Y los hombres son peores
ja que son ellos quienes hacen a la vida
Tan dura
Y las mujeres no son mejores
ja que son ellas quienes hacen a los hombres
Entonces nos encontramos
Y nos peleamos hasta la muerte
Mujeres contra los hombres
La guerra del Amor
La guerra del Amor (X4)
Esta noche a la Tentación
Nunca mas tendré esta sensación
que el amor es posible
que el amor es legal
que la amistad existe
y no solo el mal
lo fatal
La guerra del amor
Asi empieza
Y con la muerte se acabará
Y todo nuestro tiempo abajo
Seguiremos esperando vivirlo.
Mar 27, 2026Mentions
Bluesky List Manager new feature: you can now search from within a list for any user. 👉 pixeline.be/bluesky-list...
5/18/26, 12:15 PM
Not my wheel house ap I’ll ping @pixeline.be @knotbin.com on that 😂
5/16/26, 10:17 PM
@pixeline.be do we already have an account and event on Smoke Signal or OpenMeet for the Brussels atproto meetup group?
5/9/26, 9:29 AM
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